
The “new” not-so-norm
Is it me…or has it become the “new normal” to act as if we are uninterested in sex? I wish I could blame social media entirely, but I saw this trend happening WAY before we had handheld devices telling us how to live our lives: women almost bragging to their friends about how they do not have sex with their husbands for long periods of time…complaining that their husbands constantly think about sex and how they wish they would just leave them alone. And then they get pissed about being lonely. Think I’m being stereotypical or that it is not true? I have been present for MANY round table conversations just like this, where I have heard it with my own ears. Over and over again. I recognized that I didn’t feel like these friends of mine, so what did I have that they didn’t?
I Have a Libido
It became pretty clear to me that what set me apart from the women I was listening to at the round table talks was DESIRE. I have a libido. I have a sex drive that desires touch and sexual pleasure. I have an urge to give my partner sexual pleasure. I do NOT have a part of me that withholds touch and attention as some form of false control over my sexual partner. I want to touch and be touched. To be pleased and give pleasure.
It is important to note that I do not always have a libido that is pinging off the red-line! While I prefer it to be high, there have been seasons of my life where my libido has been more of a dimly glowing ember instead of a raging inferno, and that is totally normal!
How to Support Your Libido
There are normal and natural ebbs and flows to the human libido: postpartum hormone shifts, physical and emotional stress, and poor long term nutrition habits are some of the main culprits to low desire (when previously desire was high). Things you can do to support your hormones are:
Make good dietary choices consistently. Please note that I didn’t say constantly…I said consistently. Eating a mostly whole foods diet that prioritizes protein and has a healthy balance of fat and carbs will support hormone production. Limiting calories over the long term will rob your body of sex hormones. And also, enjoy the decadent meals every once in a while!
Decrease stress. Engaging in yoga with breathwork and meditation is a great way to balance your nervous system. These ancient practices also have the power to open a person to receiving pleasure. If that’s not your jam, strength training increases desire without the stressful effects of cardio. (Did you know that your body perceives cardio as stress? It’s true!) Plus, you will feel amazing in your skin when the muscle starts to show.
Go to therapy. Yep. I said it. Go to traditional therapy, or perhaps look into sex therapy if there are specific roadblocks in your past you would like to work through. Survivors of assault and purity culture often have thoughts of shame and guilt regarding sex and pleasure that kill the mood before it begins. Regardless of what you’ve been through, pleasure is your birthright.
This certainly isn’t an all encompassing list, but it is a good place to start. Hope your smoldering ember becomes a roaring bonfire, lovers.
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